Apparently, you *can* hear me now

How often do we have horror stories to share about the woeful state of customer service nowadays? You're correct -- far too often. So, I felt obliged to share a positive story of a company going a little above and beyond. And shockingly, that company delivers telecommunications services! No, no, gentle reader -- it's not Comcast. That would be ridiculous. It's Verizon Wireless!

I have had my LG VX8700 for just over a year now. And it's that "just over" part of the phrase that gave rise to the problem. See, about a week ago the battery in my phone stopped holding a charge for longer than about ten hours. Doesn't matter how many calls I make, or don't -- that was the limit. Ten hours.

I sauntered on in to my friendly neighborhood VZW store yesterday to get a replacement battery. The extremely [sarcasm] nice and helpful [/sarcasm] Customer Service rep informed that because the warranty on my phone had expired about three weeks ago, I would be obligated to pay $41.99 for a new battery. "Ah," I replied, "but I had the foresight to pay the extra $5 a month for insurance against loss, damage or Act of al-Qaeda. So make with the replacement battery." Mais non -- that insurance policy doesn't apply to accessories. And the battery, dear reader, is deemed by the Verizon Wireless Corporation to be an accessory. Ohhh, don't bother me with your clever arguments that no cell phone can complete its ordinary and necessary function without a battery, that's it an integral and indivisible part of the phone. VZW sez it's an accessory, so it's an accessory!

I decided to politely decline the rep's offer to take more of my money, and thought I'd try my hand with VZW's 800 number. The first woman to whom I spoke regurgitated the exact same line as my good friend in the store. When I noted that I was being given little reason to stay as a VZW customer when, oh, Boost Mobile is shilling the Hades out of its $50-for-everything plan. . . well, then my luck started turning around a bit. I was given a supervisor -- that magic title! -- to speak to, who immediately offered to send me a new battery for $20. Progress. Undeterred, however, I noted that the phone was only three weeks out of warranty, and that I had been a customer of VZW for about ten years. (truth! I was a Bell Atlantic Mobile customer even before the merger with GTE!) The supervisor put me on hold for about 60 seconds, and then came back and said that she was mailing me a new battery gratis. Say it with me, Viking Quest fans: VICTORYYYYYY!!!

I do give thanks where thanks is due. It took some wrangling, and I *almost* had to not be nice, but I got a new battery for my cell phone at no cost. Truly, every day is a gift.

I'm ready to get LOST

You think I'll be on the same flight as Sayid? . . . he scares me. By the way -- want to book your own flight on Ajira Airways? Go here.

Note to Alanis: THIS is ironic. Don't you think?

By now it's entirely possible that you have already read/heard about the mini-revolt on CNBC this morning among disgruntled commodities traders in Chicago, upset that their tax dollars might possibly be used to bailout filthy poor people their fellow countrymen who are underwater on their mortgages.

Cry me a river.

Am I to believe that these very same would-be Gordon Gekkos stood up in righteous indignation when our last President pushed through the Troubled Assets Relief Program, leveraging our grandchildren's future to bail out their derivative-crazed Wall Street brethren? I doubt it. See, there's a bit of a snobberistic difference involved here. . .

When it comes to mortgage-backed securities, derivatives and arbitrage, there's a wide, yawning chasm between those among us who know what we're doing and those of us who have to wiki to even know what the F arbitrage is. When it comes to home ownership, however -- well, now, who among us can't understand the basics? And isn't home ownership the new American Dream, the common yardstick by which we gauge whether we've "made it?" Place yourself, then, into the polished penny loafers and Brooks Brothers suits of these traders. When the federal government uses your hard-earned tax dollars to bail out banks and traders who tried to make mad coin off sketchy investments, that's okay. . . That's upholding The System. But when the Big O deigns to use those dollars to keep normal, everyday people in their homes -- many of whom, I might add, were preyed upon by said banks and mortgage lenders -- well, that's just unacceptable. That's socialism.

Go right ahead and throw your little Tea Party, boys. Just don't be surprised if it's a little bitter going down.


[editor's note: I'm not a huge fan of the mortgage bailout proposal or the moral hazard involved, either. But I hate greedy sanctimony more than I hate saving people from themselves.]

Doubt he opts for Wheaties when he gets the munchies

Ever since seeing the story and now-infamous picture of Michael Phelps with his lips Hoovering up the smoky goodness from a bong at a University of South Carolina party, I've just been really bugged. I'm notsomuch bothered by the fact that he, like a fairly shocking 42% of the rest of the nation, chose to inhale. He's a grownup (mostly), so I'm going to give him the same leeway that I'd give others to make that choice for themselves.

What really sticks in my craw, however, is that he clearly suffers from one of two maladies: either he's blissfully ignorant of the myriad examples of other notable/infamous celebs caught with their virtual britches down, or he's so inexcusably self-absorbed that he thought he'd never get caught. In either case, I really have no sympathy for him -- and I say this as a fan of the guy and what he's accomplished in the pool.

Michael, a quick reminder list for the next time you attend a party:

1. Everyone has a picture phone or video camera.
   
2. The kids nowadays love to post anything and everything on teh Intertubes.
   
3. You are famous.
   
4. Posting compromising photos of famous people online is the closest most of the unwashed masses will ever come to touching the Divine.
   
5. Don't be stupid.
   

This public service announcement brought to you by People With More Common Sense Than You. We now return you to regularly scheduled programming.